Terrible Times

It was early fall of the same year, and the children had started back to school. I had a couple of hours to myself, before I had to go to my lunch-time cleaning account (where I had to go and clean Converts two large company contract bathrooms). I got a call from Convert that morning. He was yelling at me on the phone. He was using profane language to explain to me that there was a problem at the bank. I started crying while I was talking with him, because I couldn't understand how there could have been a problem with what he was talking about. He stated that there was a large sum of money missing from the business account, and accusingly, wanted to know why I had taken it out. He also wanted to know what I had done with the money! I couldn't hardly believe that he was accusing me of taking money out of the business. Did he think that I was that stupid? The more he talked, the more upset I got. He hung up and I wept, and wept....
I had to talk to someone. I needed some guidance. I called the doctor's office and explained what had just happened. The doctor wasn't in the office and the secretary and nurse couldn't help me at all. I hung up the phone and wept more. I had only been getting one hour of sleep a night and was totally exhausted. I had no more energy. I couldn't take what Convert was doing to me anymore. I needed sleep and because I was over tired, took a few of his sleeping pills. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to go to sleep. I gulped them down with some water and went into my bedroom. I got down on my knees and begged, "God to PLEASE help me. Take away the hurt, take away the pain, but most of all, I need you, God, to change the current situation I am in". I continued weeping for a long time.....
The next thing I remembered was that I was lying in a bed in a strange place. It seemed sterile and impersonal. I remember a woman standing by me, rubbing my shoulder. She had a friendly smile and asked how I was doing. I said that I was hurting inside. She silently smiled back. I then realized that I had lost the time between weeping in my bedroom and waking up in a hospital bed. However, I vividly remembered my kids being with me before the ambulance came to pick me up. I could hear their voices and feel their touch, and wanted to yell out to them, but I couldn't.
The next couple of weeks were the hardest. I had to be away from my children and get myself together. While I was there, in the hospital, Convert gave me divorce papers. Mentally, I was not concerned about what he was saying, but instead was thinking back to when he was in the hospital, and I was there for him. The only reason he visited me in the hospital, was to give me another petition for divorce.
The doctor came and saw me several times and concluded that I needed to get totally away from Convert. He said that my major depression was ruling me. The doctor said I needed to attend therapy secessions to teach me how to gain skills for mental survival. He said I needed to know how to stand up for myself. He also said that I needed to be able to have mental strength, not only for my self, but for my kids.
After the two week stay in the hospital, I went home. It felt different being there. No one was home at that time, so I sat at the kitchen table and meditated. About ten minutes went by, then Convert came home. He smiled and said, hi. He sat down and told me that I was never to leave the house again. He said that I was not to disobey him again. He stated that if I did leave the house, he would make sure that I would wind up living in the gutter. He said that I left the house he would call the cops and have me picked up, and locked up. I told him that I needed to attend my therapy sessions. He replied that I was not to attend these sessions.
Right then I knew that I really needed some kind of therapy to help me. I needed to get better and not be afraid anymore, but to know how to think correctly. (Due to my Mormon mental conditioning, regarding the priesthood authority and obeying church doctrine, rather than how to think, I didn't have the mental ability to withstand whatever Convert threw at me.) I went to my first counseling session. The only thing I learned from it was that the counselor 'never lost his place'. That evening, I came home and found no one there. Convert had taken the kids and left.
The next few months were extremely hard for me. Convert had kept me from finding the kids for three days. He had a new house for the kids. He must of have rented the place before I got out of the hospital. Convert, somehow, had the court system give him custody of the kids. I lost my kids to Convert all because I needed some sleep.
I had no job, no family, no church, no friends, and no God. I felt like I'd lost everything that meant anything to me. I called my parents and pleaded with them to help me. This was the only thing I knew to do. I went home, back to Michigan. I left the people I loved the most in order to start over. I left my home that I had paid for to the kids, and forced myself to leave Georgia, in order to get myself together.........Convert and I divorced while living states apart......

6 comments:

The Sacred Sister April 27, 2007 at 7:44 AM  

This is horrible to even read, I can't imagine how you survived!!
How many years were you married to Convert over all? How old were you when this all happened?
I feel badly that your husband took your children away; I'm sure they endured the same controlling and abusive behavior. Was Convert an active church member at this time?
I look forward to reading more...

Obi-Dave Kenobi April 27, 2007 at 8:42 PM  

Your ex was psychotic. You truly needed help, not from him, but because of him. Him filing for divorce was a blessing in disguise. I hope I get to read soon how you got your kids back.

handmaiden April 27, 2007 at 10:31 PM  

Hello Obi-dave,
Thank you for your comments. I will be writing more on this subject soon.

Interested April 28, 2007 at 3:47 AM  

I am confused a bit. In an earlier post you described the conditions at the home of your new mother-in-law...cockroaches, etc. Were his parents divorced or did his father come into money later?

handmaiden April 28, 2007 at 11:02 AM  

Hello Sister,
I was married to Convert for nine years before he divorced me the first time. We had been married two and a half years at the time of the second divorce. Between that time, we were still together making the total years together fifteen and a half years.
I was thirty four when I went back to Michigan. As far as Converts church attendance is concerned, I had been working so much at the time that I don't know if he was active or not. I do know that he was able to influence a lot of prominent church authorities in that area as well as lawyers, judges and police. He had access to a lot of money on his side of the family. I believe that it made it easier to influence those particular people.
My children were affected by the whole ordeal.
Thank you for asking.

handmaiden April 28, 2007 at 6:55 PM  

Hello interested,
When I met Convert his parents were divorced. His mother was poor and his dad was wealthy.
I hope this helps. Thanks for asking.

About Me

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Michigan, United States
I spent a lot of time deciding if I should write this blog or not. I'm not a great writer and I'm not going to pretend to be. I need to share what I have learned and I might not make some people happy with what I am saying. This blog is a way for me to release the thoughts and feelings that come with knowing I grew up in the wrong religion. A healing process if you will.

How To Read This Blog

Please start with the month of February 2007 and read backwards. This is the most effective way to understand, in order, why I say what I do.

Handmaidens Creed

1.I believe in God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit as one God without beginning or end.
2.I believe the Bible to be the Holy Inspired word of God with full truth and righteousness. No other writing is.
3.I believe that the work of the Lord comes first. Before any temporal thing or person.
4.I believe that grace is a gift and Christ gives that gift freely to all who believe.
5.I believe that the beauty of a woman is contained inside of her and not by what she looks like on the outside.
6.I believe that marriage is sacred and represents the Godhead on earth; two are one just as three are one.
7.I believe that love is more powerful than any other power. Remember, God is love.
8.I believe that tithing is not a part of God's new covenant, free will offerings are. And that doesn't mean just money.
9.I believe that the Aaronic, Levitical, and Melchizedek priesthoods are abolished and Christs Holy Priesthood whom Christ is the "Great High Priest" is eternal.
10.I believe that every believer is a priest in the "Priesthood of Believers".
11.I believe that when two are one, nobody is to separate the one.
12.I believe that Christ is the only way to heaven.
13.I believe that our bodies are temples, not man made buildings.
14.I believe that liars make fools out of others and the liar hates the fool.
15.I believe that all believers are in authority to preach the gospel.
16.I believe that the word 'organization' to describe Christs body is evil and has no place with God.
17.I believe the Americas are not the land of Zion and Christ will return to His origonal land-Israel in the Middle East.
18.I believe that God has set out correct ways of worshiping Him, not man.
19.I believe in holding to the truths of the Bible and not mans understanding of it.
20.I believe that the world is full of evil and Satan can easily gain control over the minds of those who do not profess Christ of the Bible to be their only Messiah.
21.I believe that Saints are those who know the real Savior, Jesus Christ, of whom the Bible speaks of; not the jesus of a cult.