The picture above is a page from my personal scrapbook and on that page is a little handbook. It's a companion to a workbook that is titled, "Behold Thy Handmaiden". The workbook contained pre-written goals and blanks spaces for personal goals. The Mormon church had the young women of that time work on such workbooks.
I made all kinds of goals that were put forth by the workbook and completed all the goals I was committed to. The workbook was then given to my adviser (teacher) and she in turn gave it to my bishop. After he went over it, he gave it to my stake president. I needed all three signatures after each goal. I don't remember how many goals, but I remember it took a long time to complete all the goals in the workbook.
In a sacrament meeting I was awarded a necklace in 14ct gold that was to show everyone that I completed those goals, plus whatever else I had to do, in the workbook. I can't remember right now what the "whatever else" might be. I was the first girl in my stake to receive such an award. If you ever went through what I did to get this necklace, you know how hard it was to get it. It takes a lot of sweat and work to get it. I don't have the necklace any more. My life was centered around this little book back then.
All I can say now is that I learned real well to do what I was told to do and this program, "Behold Thy Handmaiden", was one of the tools that taught me. The Mormon church uses many programs to get the children to conform to its teachings.
"Behold Thy Handmaiden" is one.


I have so many memories of my childhood years. I'm not too sure where to start. My family and the church played major roles in my youth. I can't separate the two. I lived from Sunday to Sunday with Monday night's FHE (family home evening) and Wednesday's Primary. They were highlights of the week. School fit in there somewhere. This is how the week usually went:

SUNDAY- Morning: Sunday School
Afternoon: Sacrament Meeting
Evening: Eating dinner and watching Walt Disney movies
MONDAY- Day: School
Evening: FHE ( I plan on writing about this later on)
TUESDAY- Day: School
Evening: The usual kids stuff, clean house, feed animals, get ready for
then next day, study time for church and school
WEDNESDAY- Day: School
Afternoon: Primary
Evening: Same as yesterday
THURSDAY- Day: School
Evening: Same as Tuesday
FRIDAY- Day: School
Evening- Same as Tuesday-most of the time
SATURDAY- Chore day, bake bread for the week(6-8 loaves), Get everything ready for Sunday

This was the usual schedule around our house when I was a kid (before the age of 13). Being the oldest girl in the house, I had a lot of responsibility. There are seven kids in all.
I used to think that all good Mormon families had what we had and did what we did. Not all a Mormon families grew up in a small Southern Utah town in the middle of nowhere either. The only people I knew were Mormons. My whole family are Mormons, (with the exception of my grandpa on my mother's side and I never thought twice about that. When he passed away, my grandma did his temple work. Now my family believes he is a Mormon).
The elementary schools I went to were all Mormon. The same people I went to school with were the same people I went to church with. I didn't know anything else but Mormonism.


I looked on white walls, tall slender windows, a wood floor, folding chairs, people, lights hanging from the ceiling, and my grandpa's arms around me. They are so big. Much bigger than mine. I looked up and I could see his chin and feel his breath on my face. I turned my head and I could see my dads face too. Then there were a few other faces that I saw, yet I could not recognize them. They didn't scare me.

Soon all of those men were standing around in a circle and one hand on each others shoulder. As I watched, they bowed their heads, closed their eyes, and then I began to go up and down. Up and down, up and down. I heard my grandpa starting to talk. I turned my eyes upon his chin and watched him speak while I went up and down. I looked at my dad. His eyes were closed. So were all the other men's eyes closed. My grandpa kept on talking. I kept going up and down.

Then all of a sudden I stopped going up and down. My grandpa lifted me up to an upright position and now I can see the people looking at me while sitting in all of those chairs the were unfolded in neat rows. The sun came through those tall slender windows. The sun was bright just as I saw mom. She was sitting in the front row. The sun was near her back. She was smiling, I think at me.

After a while, I saw the building I was just in. There are those tall slender windows, however they look a little different. I was in my mom's arms now. I can see the big tree above me that is providing a lot of shade from that bright sun. I looked around me and saw some kids running around with long white things in their hands. All the children were laughing and screaming and running. I wanted to be with them.

Years later I talked with my mom about this peculiar memory I have. She pursed her lips, rolled her eyes and made a grunting noise. "You couldn't possibly remember that", she blurted out to me. "Someone told you that story", mom added. I just looked at her with a confused look on my face. "What do you mean?", I questioned. She proceeded to tell me that I was describing my "Name and Blessing" in the Mormon church when I was just two months old. She said that the church is where my grandparents went and the white long things were streamers left over from a wedding the day before.

The "Name and Blessing" was my first memory of the Mormon church, or "Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints". The church had become a strong influence in my life and in most cases, the only influence in my life. I didn't know much else. I was BOC (born under the covenant) and grown up in a large Mormon family, me being the oldest girl.

A name and blessing is what the church does to infants, and in many cases young children, in order to be recognized in the church records. This can only be done by the laying on of hands by Mormon Elders who hold the priesthood. Following the ritual of announcing your name to the church and its congregation, a blessing follows. This is a prayer to the child by the priesthood holder. For a little girl, the most common statement was that you will grow up to be married in the temple and have children of your own. The dads' holding the priesthood usually did the honor of this special function of announcing your own child and putting the name on the church records.
I guess I became a member at the point when my grandfather said that I will be known on church records as......


This writing is intended to give an account of my personal life as it pertains to Mormonism. Although I was once a "good upstanding Mormon", I now no longer choose to be associated with it. It is my wish that by describing my Mormon experiences, others will know to stay away from entering this deceiving cult that ultimately takes away ones life. The difficult part is that most people are born into a Mormon family, and they really don't have a choice.

Mormon beliefs, my family, and the Mormon church in addition to what I believe in now are the main issues I am writing about. I'm not going to use family names for their sake. Just remember, subjective and objective are two different things. My experiences are real and I need to share them so somebody will know them. The facts will be as clear and truthful as possible and will be given in the best of my ability. So, sit back and read, learn, enjoy, cry, be enlightened, or be upset about what I'm going to put before you.

I invite anyone to give their input if you have any. Please feel free to ask questions or let me know if you need clarification (I'm not so good at descriptive writing), or explanations on any subject I'm writing about.

About Me

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Michigan, United States
I spent a lot of time deciding if I should write this blog or not. I'm not a great writer and I'm not going to pretend to be. I need to share what I have learned and I might not make some people happy with what I am saying. This blog is a way for me to release the thoughts and feelings that come with knowing I grew up in the wrong religion. A healing process if you will.

How To Read This Blog

Please start with the month of February 2007 and read backwards. This is the most effective way to understand, in order, why I say what I do.

Handmaidens Creed

1.I believe in God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit as one God without beginning or end.
2.I believe the Bible to be the Holy Inspired word of God with full truth and righteousness. No other writing is.
3.I believe that the work of the Lord comes first. Before any temporal thing or person.
4.I believe that grace is a gift and Christ gives that gift freely to all who believe.
5.I believe that the beauty of a woman is contained inside of her and not by what she looks like on the outside.
6.I believe that marriage is sacred and represents the Godhead on earth; two are one just as three are one.
7.I believe that love is more powerful than any other power. Remember, God is love.
8.I believe that tithing is not a part of God's new covenant, free will offerings are. And that doesn't mean just money.
9.I believe that the Aaronic, Levitical, and Melchizedek priesthoods are abolished and Christs Holy Priesthood whom Christ is the "Great High Priest" is eternal.
10.I believe that every believer is a priest in the "Priesthood of Believers".
11.I believe that when two are one, nobody is to separate the one.
12.I believe that Christ is the only way to heaven.
13.I believe that our bodies are temples, not man made buildings.
14.I believe that liars make fools out of others and the liar hates the fool.
15.I believe that all believers are in authority to preach the gospel.
16.I believe that the word 'organization' to describe Christs body is evil and has no place with God.
17.I believe the Americas are not the land of Zion and Christ will return to His origonal land-Israel in the Middle East.
18.I believe that God has set out correct ways of worshiping Him, not man.
19.I believe in holding to the truths of the Bible and not mans understanding of it.
20.I believe that the world is full of evil and Satan can easily gain control over the minds of those who do not profess Christ of the Bible to be their only Messiah.
21.I believe that Saints are those who know the real Savior, Jesus Christ, of whom the Bible speaks of; not the jesus of a cult.