Overwhelmed

The eighth move went well. We got settled into a roomy townhouse just South of a very large airport. Convert got his workman's compensation and disability, and we all went on welfare. The church continued to get their 10%, and Convert and I kept our good standing in the church. Convert saw his doctor once a week in order to keep his workman's' comp. He started going to a community college, taking classes in heating, ventilation and air conditioning. I started a part time job to supplement the disability.
I came home from work one evening and the house was a mess and there were strangers sitting in my living room. Convert explained to me that this family, a man, woman and an infant, needed a place to stay for awhile. That place was my home. I didn't have a say in the matter, due to Convert being the Mormon authority in the family. To make things worse, he decided to start working on appliances in my kitchen (he'd pick up old appliances that people had thrown out).
By this time I was overwhelmed. Between the church duties, going to work, taking care of the children, Converts' so called inability to work, his going to school, his doctor's appointments, and these strangers living in my home... I had nothing left. I was exhausted. I needed some advice, some kind of comfort, a shoulder to cry on... something.
I thought back to when I was young. I was taught to go to the spiritual head of the family for guidance in all matters. Well, the spiritual head of our nucleus family was part of the problem.
I remember I went over to my parents home and sat down next to my oldest brother (the returned Mormon missionary). I gave him a short story of my situation, he advised me to go to the patriarch of the family. I got up off the couch and went to the dining room where my dad was sitting. I sat down next to him and explained what I was going through, and that I was stressed out over it all.
My dad looked at me and lovingly told me how he was well aware of the situation. He said he had been praying about what I needed to do in my case. I was attentively listening. He said I was to divorce my husband. He went on to tell me that I was to let him and my mom adopt my children. Last, I was to move back to Utah and forget I even had a marriage and two children. I felt violated.

College No More

I looked around the community I was in and it only made me yearn all the more to get back to Utah. I, therefore, applied to a college where I was from in Utah. The photo below shows that I got accepted! I was so thrilled to know that I had a reason to go back, back to what I knew as home. I could hardly wait for my dad to get home so I could tell him the news.
Shortly after he got home, I showed him the certificate of acceptance. He stared at it awhile, leaned back on the kitchen counter and looked me square in the eyes.
"You know," he stated, "I know that you want to go back to Utah. I also know that you want to attend college."
I could tell that he didn't like what he saw.
"God has shown me that you are not to go to college. For that fact, you are not to get married," dad said sternly.
By this time my heart was in my throat and the flood gates were opening.
"As patriarch of this home and having the power of the priesthood, God has told me that you are to stay home and take care of your mother and me," my dad roared with all of his authority.
His roar, I was so scared of his roar.
"Oh, you can have a part time job and continue with your church work, but that's it," he bluntly stated.
(My dads thinking comes from Mormon teaching.)
By this time I was sitting in one of the kitchen chairs because I was too weak to stand. My throat was swollen from fighting back my need to weep -- I couldn't speak. I couldn't do anything but stair at him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. These words he spoke were not what I was prepared to hear, let alone deal with.
I gracefully accepted his authority and bowed out to my room. There, in the privacy of my room, is where I threw myself on my bed, buried my head in my pillow (it was a stuffed blue elephant) and wept bitterly. I saw my whole life end. I hashed over the possibility of never having the pleasure of going to the celestial kingdom. No temple marriage, no eternity. I thought of the touch of my children; I'll never know. I wept all the more.
By this time I was shaking so much, I had the dry heaves.
I have done all I knew to do to be able to go to heaven. Now my dad, my inspiration, my leader, my life, my patriarch, informed me I wasn't good enough for God. My mind was too numb. My heart too broken, my life shattered.....