Some Kind of Stability

I was at a point in my life I was trying to achieve some kind of stability, not only for me, but for the kids. I didn't have anyone to turn to, so I had to make serious decisions on my own. I didn't know anything about lawyers, courts, judges, or divorce. I didn't know the first thing about the judicial system, I didn't grow up with any of that kind of education. I didn't know anyone that was divorced in my family. I was a Mormon woman that believed that I was married for time and all eternity. I did know that the serious instability in the family was in dire need of change. I knew that if I didn't finish school, the children would be in worse shape in the future, as far as having their needs met were concerned.
I looked Convert square in the eye and told him that, "I can't quite school. It doesn't make sense to stop". I also told him that I didn't want a divorce either. All I asked for was a little more time to finish school in order to be able to bring in the money we needed to keep on going. I pleaded with Convert to understand and be patient. Convert said nothing.
It was about two weeks later when I got a letter from the court, petitioning for divorce. I was so heartbroken and confused that I didn't know what to do. I thought to myself, "Why can't he understand that I'm going to school to keep our family from starving?" I didn't know who to go to or where to turn. I know that going to my parents and the church was out of the question. I've been that route, and it didn't work.
We divorced and I finished school. The divorce was strange. I didn't have a lawyer nor did I have any counseling of any kind. I wanted to yell at the judge and tell him that I didn't understand any of the proceedings. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I didn't do anything, but give Convert what he wanted. I knew that it would have been devastating to the family unit if I had quit school. Shortly after the divorce, I graduated with honors, and I was third from the top in my class. I knew that, for me, school was a defocus from my current problems. Maybe that's why I did so well.
Convert was always around and the kids seemed to be fairly adjusted to the situation. (I really don't know how much they remember about the divorce.) I was able to buy a home through a program that was designed for single, working mothers, even though Convert was always around, giving me his advice. The kids got into new schools and I started working nights. Convert stayed with the kids and got them off to school.
Convert was nice again and he became the person I knew many years ago. I hadn't dated anyone else, nor did I want to. Convert and I decided to get our lives together and start attending church again, plus get the kids in a more stable home environment. Life with Convert was more tolerable being divorced than being married.
The bishop of the ward that we were in did extensive counseling with both of us and we started to get back into church life as much as possible. Soon the bishop told us that we should get remarried. We did. We remarried in the bishops office without any ceremony or party. It wasn't necessary. We just wanted to get back to a married life, the way it was long ago.

6 comments:

Obi-Dave Kenobi April 22, 2007 at 2:31 AM  

Now there's a twist I didn't see coming...

Interested April 22, 2007 at 6:25 PM  

How could you go back to him...I asked myself. And then I answered myself...you still believed in happy everafter. You have survived a great deal. Thank you for sharing your experiences. You are very brave.

handmaiden April 22, 2007 at 7:33 PM  

I have to telling myself that I was extremely brainwashed. I write this stuff and think to myself how stupid I was. The Mormon church puts a lot of fairytale beliefs in females that are born and raised in the church. I never had hard core training if the harsh realities of life. I never learned anything from my parents, but how to be the best female Mormon.

Ben November 25, 2007 at 11:46 PM  

Well I am done with this blog. I am truly sorry that you life has been terrible. You as a woman, deserve a life of happniness and peace. You deserve a good husband that will take care of you and love you for who you are. My only critism is the majority of fiction contained in all of your stories. There are so many un-factual statements made by you that are biased and very very one-sided. This is a great fiction story and your write impressively in such a way that keeps your reader addicted to your writings i.e. obi dave, caryn, etc... Good luck with your life! I hope you are blessed forever with happiness!

Sincerly,
the non-mormon reader
Ben

L. S. Smathers Family October 18, 2010 at 3:59 AM  

I couldn't have said it better than your quote above.
My training in the hard core realities of life were so painful too because all I had ever been schooled in was being a dutiful mormon woman. Reality was such a bitter blow to me, but I could never go back to the disillusioned cloud I lived in before.

handmaiden October 19, 2010 at 1:13 AM  

L.S.,
My heart goes out to you. Don't ever go back to the bitter past. It will only put more pain in your life. If you went through similar situations like I did, I know you will understand what I say. Stay strong and know that you are never alone.
handmaiden

About Me

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Michigan, United States
I spent a lot of time deciding if I should write this blog or not. I'm not a great writer and I'm not going to pretend to be. I need to share what I have learned and I might not make some people happy with what I am saying. This blog is a way for me to release the thoughts and feelings that come with knowing I grew up in the wrong religion. A healing process if you will.

How To Read This Blog

Please start with the month of February 2007 and read backwards. This is the most effective way to understand, in order, why I say what I do.

Handmaidens Creed

1.I believe in God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit as one God without beginning or end.
2.I believe the Bible to be the Holy Inspired word of God with full truth and righteousness. No other writing is.
3.I believe that the work of the Lord comes first. Before any temporal thing or person.
4.I believe that grace is a gift and Christ gives that gift freely to all who believe.
5.I believe that the beauty of a woman is contained inside of her and not by what she looks like on the outside.
6.I believe that marriage is sacred and represents the Godhead on earth; two are one just as three are one.
7.I believe that love is more powerful than any other power. Remember, God is love.
8.I believe that tithing is not a part of God's new covenant, free will offerings are. And that doesn't mean just money.
9.I believe that the Aaronic, Levitical, and Melchizedek priesthoods are abolished and Christs Holy Priesthood whom Christ is the "Great High Priest" is eternal.
10.I believe that every believer is a priest in the "Priesthood of Believers".
11.I believe that when two are one, nobody is to separate the one.
12.I believe that Christ is the only way to heaven.
13.I believe that our bodies are temples, not man made buildings.
14.I believe that liars make fools out of others and the liar hates the fool.
15.I believe that all believers are in authority to preach the gospel.
16.I believe that the word 'organization' to describe Christs body is evil and has no place with God.
17.I believe the Americas are not the land of Zion and Christ will return to His origonal land-Israel in the Middle East.
18.I believe that God has set out correct ways of worshiping Him, not man.
19.I believe in holding to the truths of the Bible and not mans understanding of it.
20.I believe that the world is full of evil and Satan can easily gain control over the minds of those who do not profess Christ of the Bible to be their only Messiah.
21.I believe that Saints are those who know the real Savior, Jesus Christ, of whom the Bible speaks of; not the jesus of a cult.