I sometimes feel very sad and troubled about the end result, or consequences, of some of the past events in my life. It's hard to deal with the fact that Convert destroyed a family, my family, and those in my family will never be the same again. I spend a lot of time pondering about what each of my children had to go through over the years. I pray everyday and trust in God that He has everything under control.
I often wonder if there are other families out there with similar problems. I listen to the news and I watch tv shows that tell tales of domestic violence where the parent(s) are the problem and the children suffer. My heart sinks every time. I think of how stupid I was when I was trying to be a wife and a mother in a relationship that was doomed from the beginning. How was I supposed to know? Who really knew, save God? I had such high hopes for my children ever since I can remember. I knew how to take care of many, many things. The most important thing I didn't know how to take care of was me. I was never taught by my Mormon parents how to discern common stuff, like how to say "no", or how to confront negative situations, or stand up to my core beliefs that were tucked away in my heart and mind. These are but a few of the things that I never learned how to take care of , mostly due to the fact that my upbringing was so structured and controlled. The Mormon church really knows how to gain quick control over females like me. I was so full of fear of my parents and the church that I didn't dare go against anything they said. Sometimes when my dad speaks, I get intimidated still to this day. I was afraid to go against Convert as well, but was a very committed wife.
I now keep thinking of how I could have done better back then if I had known that I was not living a so-called 'normal' life. The Mormons appear normal to most people, but they are not! The sadness I experience from thinking about it all easily turns into anger. There are difficult days when I question my self-worth, and my self-esteem goes to record lows. I turn to God often. I pray, weep, tremble, and become totally helpless. The help of my Father above usually comes just in time when all hope seems totally gone. He lifts me up out of the darkness and holds me until I can see that He was always there. He is always there. The God of the true bible has always been there.
I listened to a sermon from Dr. Eugene Scott the other night, and he was teaching from Psalms 37. I swear that the sermon was made just for me. Sit down and read the Bible message sometime. It is a powerful passage of scripture that speaks a strong message of fretting. It says that if I would cast 'my way', or what I carry around and worry about upon Him, He will take care of my worries.
I need to tell myself to let God do His work for my family every day. Each one of my children are being taken care of by God. I need to get myself out of the way and trust God fully, then He will be able to be free enough to bring about righteousness and judgment.


L. S. Smathers Family October 22, 2010 at 3:52 AM  

"I was never taught by my Mormon parents how to discern common stuff, like how to say "no", or how to confront negative situations, or stand up to my core beliefs that were tucked away in my heart and mind. "

I had to copy and past the above passage from your writing because I couldn't have said it better. So, so true...

About Me

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Michigan, United States
I spent a lot of time deciding if I should write this blog or not. I'm not a great writer and I'm not going to pretend to be. I need to share what I have learned and I might not make some people happy with what I am saying. This blog is a way for me to release the thoughts and feelings that come with knowing I grew up in the wrong religion. A healing process if you will.

How To Read This Blog

Please start with the month of February 2007 and read backwards. This is the most effective way to understand, in order, why I say what I do.

Handmaidens Creed

1.I believe in God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit as one God without beginning or end.
2.I believe the Bible to be the Holy Inspired word of God with full truth and righteousness. No other writing is.
3.I believe that the work of the Lord comes first. Before any temporal thing or person.
4.I believe that grace is a gift and Christ gives that gift freely to all who believe.
5.I believe that the beauty of a woman is contained inside of her and not by what she looks like on the outside.
6.I believe that marriage is sacred and represents the Godhead on earth; two are one just as three are one.
7.I believe that love is more powerful than any other power. Remember, God is love.
8.I believe that tithing is not a part of God's new covenant, free will offerings are. And that doesn't mean just money.
9.I believe that the Aaronic, Levitical, and Melchizedek priesthoods are abolished and Christs Holy Priesthood whom Christ is the "Great High Priest" is eternal.
10.I believe that every believer is a priest in the "Priesthood of Believers".
11.I believe that when two are one, nobody is to separate the one.
12.I believe that Christ is the only way to heaven.
13.I believe that our bodies are temples, not man made buildings.
14.I believe that liars make fools out of others and the liar hates the fool.
15.I believe that all believers are in authority to preach the gospel.
16.I believe that the word 'organization' to describe Christs body is evil and has no place with God.
17.I believe the Americas are not the land of Zion and Christ will return to His origonal land-Israel in the Middle East.
18.I believe that God has set out correct ways of worshiping Him, not man.
19.I believe in holding to the truths of the Bible and not mans understanding of it.
20.I believe that the world is full of evil and Satan can easily gain control over the minds of those who do not profess Christ of the Bible to be their only Messiah.
21.I believe that Saints are those who know the real Savior, Jesus Christ, of whom the Bible speaks of; not the jesus of a cult.