During the time that I dated Convert, a lot changed. My conviction towards serving the church became weaker and weaker. I knew in my heart that the fate my dad had set out for me was due to the teachings of Mormon dogmatics. I was so confused about my role in the world and in society. I was never taught how take care of myself outside the confines of my parents house and the rule of the Mormon authority. Convert opened up a whole new world that was totally foreign to me, yet totally wondrous and exciting. My focus changed from the glass bubble of doing all I can do for the church and my parents, to the world outside where life was free and exhilarating, and that puts a crack in the glass bubble.
I stopped my church callings and I started going to the ward where Convert attended. I got to know the church members there. I also started working on Sundays. (Working on Sundays is a huge taboo in the eyes of the church.) As for me, I wanted to save up enough money to find a place of my own and be an adult for once. Most of the money I was making was going to my dad for rent, insurance, food, and whatever else he thought I needed to pay. I only made over $3.00 an hour. I think I had about forty bucks to spend on myself for the next two weeks. That money didn't go too far. I still had to put gas in the car so I could go back and forth to work and church, and I was still driving the sister missionaries around to their appointments. Plus, I had to pay tithing on the gross amount of my paycheck. I did manage to put $2.00 bi-weekly in a savings account.
Glass Bubble
Convert
My late teenage years were filled with high expectations of the future, versus the life my dad planned out for me. I was no different than any other eighteen year old as far as my views of the future were concerned. I tried real hard to figure out how to go about leaving home and making a new life for myself, I didn't know how. I remember calling my grandpa one time and literally begging him to let me move in with him and grandma. Grandpa told me that there wasn't anything in Idaho for me. He said I would have a better chance of making it where I am in Michigan. Now, I really didn't know what to do. I desperately didn't want to spend the rest of my life as a servant to my parents.
I became friends with one of the girls from church. She was moving out of her house and moving on to college. I longed to be in her shoes. I was extremely jealous of her. I thought she had everything. Someday, I thought, "I'd be able to do the things she's doing." My friend went off to college and I never herd from her, or saw her again.
I met another friend, a gal that was real out spoken. A real fireball. She was so noisy when she talked, my ears hurt. Me, on the other hand, was soft spoken and real shy. She said that she knew a guy that just joined the Mormon church, and he didn't know anyone in the Mormon community. She explained to me that he was tall, had dark hair, brown eyes, was slender, and real fun to be around. Miss Fireball went on to tell me that she went ahead and invited him over to meet me, a blind date, so she said. Well.....,was my face red?.....I never had a blind date before. She had her boyfriend bring him to her house which is where I was, and it made me very nervous.
I sat upstairs in her room fidgeting and when the door bell rang, I know I jumped out of my seat and hit my head on the ceiling. Fireball ran downstairs and invited them in. I heard her tell 'the guys' to go upstairs. I was on the edge of my seat. The door opened and there he was, this new convert to the Mormon church. Fireball was right in her description of Convert. Me, I had a memory flashback from Jr. High where the guy that stole all the hearts of all the girls was standing in front of me. He even came complete with the mole on his check. I had to pick up my jaw off the floor.
Needless to say, I went out with him and we did have fun. I continued to date him against my dads counseling. Convert sold his TV, so I could start college and I fell in love with a guy that said that he would take care of me.....
College No More
I looked around the community I was in and it only made me yearn all the more to get back to Utah. I, therefore, applied to a college where I was from in Utah. The photo below shows that I got accepted! I was so thrilled to know that I had a reason to go back, back to what I knew as home. I could hardly wait for my dad to get home so I could tell him the news.
Shortly after he got home, I showed him the certificate of acceptance. He stared at it awhile, leaned back on the kitchen counter and looked me square in the eyes.
"You know," he stated, "I know that you want to go back to Utah. I also know that you want to attend college."
I could tell that he didn't like what he saw.
"God has shown me that you are not to go to college. For that fact, you are not to get married," dad said sternly.
By this time my heart was in my throat and the flood gates were opening.
"As patriarch of this home and having the power of the priesthood, God has told me that you are to stay home and take care of your mother and me," my dad roared with all of his authority.
His roar, I was so scared of his roar.
"Oh, you can have a part time job and continue with your church work, but that's it," he bluntly stated.
(My dads thinking comes from Mormon teaching.)
By this time I was sitting in one of the kitchen chairs because I was too weak to stand. My throat was swollen from fighting back my need to weep -- I couldn't speak. I couldn't do anything but stair at him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. These words he spoke were not what I was prepared to hear, let alone deal with.
I gracefully accepted his authority and bowed out to my room. There, in the privacy of my room, is where I threw myself on my bed, buried my head in my pillow (it was a stuffed blue elephant) and wept bitterly. I saw my whole life end. I hashed over the possibility of never having the pleasure of going to the celestial kingdom. No temple marriage, no eternity. I thought of the touch of my children; I'll never know. I wept all the more.
By this time I was shaking so much, I had the dry heaves.
I have done all I knew to do to be able to go to heaven. Now my dad, my inspiration, my leader, my life, my patriarch, informed me I wasn't good enough for God. My mind was too numb. My heart too broken, my life shattered.....
Graduation!
I never thought that the day would come when I wouldn't have to go to school. I graduated with honors, short of requiring me to walk on stage. I knew that if I didn't have that major "burp [or move from Utah to Michigan]" in my life, I would have graduated with a 4.0. I went to graduation, my parents were there, then they went home. Me, I went to dinner with my brother, his girlfriend, and my boyfriend. Yes, I had a Mormon boyfriend! Of course it didn't last long.... He moved to Utah the next day with his family. Ironic? I dropped him off at his home and I left him, sobbing my eyes out. To make things worse, it was pouring rain that night. I don't know which was more wet, the car or my lap.
That night my dad told me that he knew the relationship wouldn't last. He told me that the power of the priesthood gives him the ability to discern many, many things, and that includes what happens in my life. I didn't think much of it at the time. I believed him, as usual.
I sat up that night on my bed and hashed over and over the events of the last year and a half. I thought of how there must be a Mormon man out there for me that God has chosen, and I had to find him. I was at the end of an era and now I was not considered young anymore. I didn't know really what to do with my life at this point. I had no prospect of marriage and raising a family. I kept thinking that that is what I'm to do. The church and my parents had trained me to be the best Mormon female they could possibly make me be. Marriage and having children was what I was trained in. That's it.
My mind shifted because my sister was snoring and I was tired. Instead of turning out my bedside light, I reached for my little pink box that contained stationary and addresses. These weren't just any addresses, they were addresses of Mormon missionaries that I wrote to all the time. I think I wrote to six or seven missionary men at a time. I grabbed paper and pen and wrote to one of the young men that I was in communication with. After that, I turned out the light and drifted off to sleep while thinking, I don't have to go back to high school ever again.
Adjusting
I got to the house that my parents had chosen for all us kids to live in and it was so small! A two bedroom house for nine of us in all, and the dog. My dad quickly built partial bedrooms in the basement. It's quite interesting to live so close to one another. My sister and I still resided together in the same room. How we got one of the main floor rooms, I'll never know. Plus, there was a small fenced in backyard that was as big as the sandbox back in Utah.
We all got settled in and each of us had to go to new schools. Me, I was so scared that I dove right into my school work. Now I'm in a high school that is all non-Mormon, with the exception of me and another kid. He didn't seem to care much about the school being almost free of Mormons.
I couldn't come to grips with the adjustment of being in such a large place. Not just school, but the city. I decided that the only way I'm going to deal with the whole matter was to get back into my church work. I got to know the church people quite well, and I started to get myself back into the swing of things in the church life. I held church callings and I volunteered to drive the female missionaries around a lot. I was becoming quite the missionary myself. I learned the discussions that the "called to serve" missionaries knew. I even got a binder of my own. It almost became a daily thing for me. And in the mist of all this I went to school and held a full time job.
My life seemed to be gluing itself back together, among tight quarters, and all was going smooth. I was so happy to know that I was still valued among the saints and I pulled rank quite quickly. The bishop was real pleased and so were my parents. I think.......
The News
I remember when I first got the news that my dad got a job transfer. The family was to move from Utah to a whole new world. We were to move to the Great Lakes region. I was floored. I was so overcome with emotions that I was totally beside myself. "How could he do this to me?", I thought. I was in the middle of my high school prime. I didn't have a boyfriend, but that didn't matter much. I was enjoying my junior year in high school. I was in dance class and drama, and I was in the choir. I had a few friends, and I was gaining social acceptance with my peers.
Church activities were great. I was the acting president of my Laurel class. I was the Primary song leader and I had great respect in the ward. I had the church activities down to an art. I even put together the sacrament meeting pamphlets and printed them out in time for the "Aaronic Priesthood" boys to hand them out every Sunday.
I walked into my work place which was a drive-in restaurant and looked at my boss and nearly fell apart at the seams. I told him of my untimely misfortune and he looked over his glasses at me and just grinned. "You're moving to"Sin City", he blurted out. My gray haired boss proceeded to explain what usually goes on in a big city. By the time he got finished with his brief image of a large city, I was beyond paranoid. I was scared to death. I asked him to put me at the grill so I could be real busy cooking and wouldn't have to think about my troubles.
Needless to say, I moved with my whole family in the winter of 1978 from a small sleepy Mormon community to a very large city that was full of sin!
MY BEEHIVE
This is one of my first beehives I got while I was a Beehive. The words that are used towards the young girls were always sweet and comforting. Nothing stern or admonishing. Everything always felt good.
Beehive, MIA-Maid, Laurel
The above names are titles representing rank of young female Mormon ladies. I attended classes and graduated through each title with honors. I enjoyed my time in each of the classes. The church took fresh little girls who had graduated from Primary and gave them the honor of progressing up to what is called the Young Women's Organization.
I was very nervous when I first became a Beehive. I didn't have to go to Wednesday after school classes anymore, but I had to go to early evening classes instead! What joy I felt to know that I was considered a young woman. It's crazy to feel joyous about being nervous though. As a Beehive, I learned how to "bee" everything the Mormon church wanted, whatever that consisted of. There was so much to learn and so little time. I could exhaust my brain trying to remember everything.
Now, the MIA-Maids were the in betweeners. It's kinda like being a middle child; old enough to be moved from being a bee to being a maid, but not old enough to be a bird. I impressed quite a few people in my church ward. I started getting letters of "Thank You" and "In Appreciation". It wasn't long before my parents started getting this same type of letters stating appreciation of my good works. I still have some of the letters. According to my advisers, I was the best maid that my church ward had. By-the-way, MIA-Maids did basically the same things as Beehives. The only difference was that MIA-Maids were a little higher in rank.
On to the Laurels. I was so good at being a little bee and a little maid that I was made president over the Laurels throughout the whole time I was a Laurel. The Laurels were the top of the Young Women's Organization. I put my heart and soul in that class for two years straight. The only difference about this group was that I could drive to my classes on Wednesday until the church changed the way Mormon's worshiped. The church changed all classes from Wednesday to Sunday and that made for a long day!
Well, as you can see, I got a lot of programing up to this point from being in the Young Woman's Organization. It was part of the foundation that the church layed so I could be the perfect Mormon woman.
PRIMARY RED, YELLOW, AND BLUE
Can you imagn sitting in a room full of kids of all ages that are together for one reason.
BRAINWASHING!!!!
I never thought for one moment, at that time, that the end result would be as such.
I remember my first Primary song:
My primary colors are one, two, three: red, yellow, and blue.
Each one has a message for you and me. Each is a symbol true.
RED-is for courage to do what is right.
YELLOW-is for service from morn' until night.
BLUE-is for purity in thought and deed.
These are our colors and this is our creed......
Sometimes I can still remember the old rock church that I ran around in. I loved that church building. There were so many places to explore and so little time. I sat in the Primary room in the basement and learned all about Joseph Smith, the 13 Articles of faith, and how families are forever. I learned some basic homemaking skills and how to act around those with the priesthood. I did a lot of singing too. I learned every song in the Primary songbook. The binder was orange and my mom made sure our family had one in the house so we could practice the songs at home.
I graduated from Primary when I was 12. The picture above is my certificate. I left my name out for my family's sake.
READY NOW AM I
I really liked this picture when I was a teen. I felt close to God through the image while I was putting my goals together. The way the Mormon church put things together for teenagers was very appealing. I believed that everything that the church did was the best.
I get upset to realize that I set goals that were for the wrong reasons. I know that my intentions then were to serve the only true God. Come to find out, I was serving another God that had nothing to do with the true and living God.
That's all I ever wanted to do---Serve the one and only true God.
