Great Physician

I remember the freedom and relief I felt in knowing that I didn't have to do anything to gain favor with God. I also remember the betrayal of the Mormon church that led me into a confused and burdensome life, where I had no choice but to do what I was told. I recall Convert telling me, "Yours is not to ask why, yours is just to do or die." My parents put heavy demands on me when I was a child, and being married to Convert took me beyond what I could bear.
After Convert kicked me out of my home and separated me from my three children, I unfortunately, had no other course to take but to go to Michigan and live under my parents roof until I could financially get to where I could see my children again. I had no job because I had been working for Convert. I had no vehicle (Convert owned all of them), no friends, due to constantly working and knew nobody who could help me out.
I could see that my parents truly wanted to help me after moving in with them. However, they were acting more according to the dictates of the Mormon church rather than to God's unconditional love in providing for me the needs that I had. They put conditions on me while living in their home again which, as an adult, I thought were unacceptable. I knew that living there was not going to work out. My dad told me that the insurance on the loaner car I was driving was only good for a very small area. If I drove beyond the particular region that my dad specified, the insurance would expire. I'm slow in thinking, but not that slow.
The whole trauma of not being with my kids was tearing me at my heart. I wept for them every moment. I couldn't stand being so far apart from them. I knew I needed to heal, not just for myself, but for my three beautiful children. My parents couldn't do what Jesus could do for me and the kids. I, therefore, buried myself in the bible, the whole bible, not just the Joe Smiths' version of it.
Over the next few months I did a lot of changing. I became a believer in the true word of God and I could see that my life was in need of the 'Great Physician'. Christian and I read the bible together as much as possible. I could hardly wait to get together with him and study. Every time the scriptures were read, my heart's eye could see more clearer. I saw that I no longer needed to be a Mormon and go the way that my parents had taught me since birth. Rather, I needed a new birth that could open up the gates of heaven for me.

Terrible Times

It was early fall of the same year, and the children had started back to school. I had a couple of hours to myself, before I had to go to my lunch-time cleaning account (where I had to go and clean Converts two large company contract bathrooms). I got a call from Convert that morning. He was yelling at me on the phone. He was using profane language to explain to me that there was a problem at the bank. I started crying while I was talking with him, because I couldn't understand how there could have been a problem with what he was talking about. He stated that there was a large sum of money missing from the business account, and accusingly, wanted to know why I had taken it out. He also wanted to know what I had done with the money! I couldn't hardly believe that he was accusing me of taking money out of the business. Did he think that I was that stupid? The more he talked, the more upset I got. He hung up and I wept, and wept....
I had to talk to someone. I needed some guidance. I called the doctor's office and explained what had just happened. The doctor wasn't in the office and the secretary and nurse couldn't help me at all. I hung up the phone and wept more. I had only been getting one hour of sleep a night and was totally exhausted. I had no more energy. I couldn't take what Convert was doing to me anymore. I needed sleep and because I was over tired, took a few of his sleeping pills. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to go to sleep. I gulped them down with some water and went into my bedroom. I got down on my knees and begged, "God to PLEASE help me. Take away the hurt, take away the pain, but most of all, I need you, God, to change the current situation I am in". I continued weeping for a long time.....
The next thing I remembered was that I was lying in a bed in a strange place. It seemed sterile and impersonal. I remember a woman standing by me, rubbing my shoulder. She had a friendly smile and asked how I was doing. I said that I was hurting inside. She silently smiled back. I then realized that I had lost the time between weeping in my bedroom and waking up in a hospital bed. However, I vividly remembered my kids being with me before the ambulance came to pick me up. I could hear their voices and feel their touch, and wanted to yell out to them, but I couldn't.
The next couple of weeks were the hardest. I had to be away from my children and get myself together. While I was there, in the hospital, Convert gave me divorce papers. Mentally, I was not concerned about what he was saying, but instead was thinking back to when he was in the hospital, and I was there for him. The only reason he visited me in the hospital, was to give me another petition for divorce.
The doctor came and saw me several times and concluded that I needed to get totally away from Convert. He said that my major depression was ruling me. The doctor said I needed to attend therapy secessions to teach me how to gain skills for mental survival. He said I needed to know how to stand up for myself. He also said that I needed to be able to have mental strength, not only for my self, but for my kids.
After the two week stay in the hospital, I went home. It felt different being there. No one was home at that time, so I sat at the kitchen table and meditated. About ten minutes went by, then Convert came home. He smiled and said, hi. He sat down and told me that I was never to leave the house again. He said that I was not to disobey him again. He stated that if I did leave the house, he would make sure that I would wind up living in the gutter. He said that I left the house he would call the cops and have me picked up, and locked up. I told him that I needed to attend my therapy sessions. He replied that I was not to attend these sessions.
Right then I knew that I really needed some kind of therapy to help me. I needed to get better and not be afraid anymore, but to know how to think correctly. (Due to my Mormon mental conditioning, regarding the priesthood authority and obeying church doctrine, rather than how to think, I didn't have the mental ability to withstand whatever Convert threw at me.) I went to my first counseling session. The only thing I learned from it was that the counselor 'never lost his place'. That evening, I came home and found no one there. Convert had taken the kids and left.
The next few months were extremely hard for me. Convert had kept me from finding the kids for three days. He had a new house for the kids. He must of have rented the place before I got out of the hospital. Convert, somehow, had the court system give him custody of the kids. I lost my kids to Convert all because I needed some sleep.
I had no job, no family, no church, no friends, and no God. I felt like I'd lost everything that meant anything to me. I called my parents and pleaded with them to help me. This was the only thing I knew to do. I went home, back to Michigan. I left the people I loved the most in order to start over. I left my home that I had paid for to the kids, and forced myself to leave Georgia, in order to get myself together.........Convert and I divorced while living states apart......

Here Comes the Bride

The more Convert and I dated, the more I wanted to be with him. I became very attached to him. We dated for five months and then we were married. We didn't have the traditional Mormon temple wedding. Convert wasn't a member long enough to be an elder in the priesthood. (A man has to be an elder in the church to gain entrance into the temple.) We settled for a civil marriage. We didn't have a typical civil wedding with flowers, a dress, a cake, and celebrations.
My parents had just married off my oldest brother and they stated that they couldn't afford another wedding. (Of course, they really didn't want me to get married at all.) My brother was the successful returned missionary that was the pride of the family. He was the one that got the glitter and glamor of a temple marriage. The church was decorated to the hilt and the food never ended. Although, I did get to be a brides maid. Did I mention that the bride was my best friend?
I wanted so much to have a beautiful wedding, but out of desperation to gain freedom I settled for a judge, my parents, and about three of my siblings at the courthouse. I remember buying a wedding dress pattern and putting it in my "hope chest" back in Utah. I still have the pattern, unopened and unused. I look at it once in awhile and just sigh. I was also hoping that I would be able to decorate my own wedding cake. Instead, I was only able to do everyone else's. The wedding took place and then everyone went home. Convert and I went to our honeymoon destination.... The Holiday Inn.
The honeymoon was interesting. Convert detoured us to his friend's house. I sat on the couch in the living room of some strangers home while Convert went into the other room. I waited. My new husband was up to something. I really didn't know what. There were other people laying around the living room while I was there. I didn't know them. The room stunk, it was smoky, and it had alcohol bottles everywhere. I was real uneasy sitting there. It wasn't my kind of environment. Soon my new husband came out of the other room. He would not explain what he had been doing. We left that poor pathetic house and went to our honeymoon suite. (It was just one of the small rooms on the tenth floor.) We had dinner at the inn's restaurant and then retreated to our room.
I was so happy to be married and away with my love. I knew that we were going to be happy as a married couple and have a home, a family, and go to church like all the wonderful families do. I had such high hopes for us. That short visit to Converts friend's house was not an issue. I gave it no more thought...
The next day Convert took me to my new home, or I should say it was his mothers home. It was small, smoky and full of dog and cat hair. Coffee aromas loomed in the air, and the dishes were kept in the fridge, due to the large amount of cockroaches. This kind of atmosphere was totally different than what I was used to. The house I grew up in had no bugs, was clean, smelled good and the animals lived outside. I was a stranger in a strange home and thats where I was supposed to be. In other words I was locked in. I kept my hopes high on the goal of a soon-to-be temple marriage, a home of my own, a family, and respect from the Mormon community. Most of all, I hoped that I would make my parents proud.